Mysteries Revealed

On this new journey of motherhood, I have discovered the truth behind many mysteries that have puzzled humankind for generations, here are just a few.

1) How can one tiny baby produce 2.5x his/her weight daily of green, gooey mucus?
The answer I have deduced is that tiny Martians set up green gooey mucus factories within the baby him/herself. Although very gross to humankind, this green gooey stuff is later extracted from the multitude of tissues used to clean it up and exported back to Mars where it plays an important role in keeping the Martian ecosystem well and thriving.

2) Why do Grandmas always carry extra tissue? I rarely carry it and have always wondered why Grandmas seem to buy the stuff in mass production quantities from Costco.
The answer is they were once mothers of small infants/toddlers and coconspirators with the Martians in their babies. Due to the intensive brainwashing of the Martians and the copious amounts of green gooey mucus Grandmas (formerly Mothers of infants/toddlers) learned to carry large quantities of tissues with them at all times. This habit was never broken and to this day, all Grandmas manage to carry a tissue for every small child within a 5 mile radius. (I'm currently being subjected to these brainwashing activities and have recently purchased a large pack of mini-disposable packages of kleenex.)

3) Why will babies refuse to try the twenty varieties of baby food that a parent has just purchased, then happily chomp down the cheerios that have been in the cupboard for the last three months?
This is actually a marketing ploy brought upon by the baby food manufacturers. Unbeknownst to the parents, babies are recruited by said companies either directly or by other pint sized undercover babies (& you thought it was just a play group). Lured in with the promise of huge rewards, babies are told to look slightly interested in as many as possible baby food types & flavors at the store, and then refuse them at home. Overall, a very successful campaign for the manufacturers, but the babies end up losing out. You would think with all the money they should be making, their college funds would be well stocked, but alas babies are not that fiscally responsible and take their payment in three month old cheerios. Some try for more, but the baby food manufacturers refuse to negotiate their contracts which results in horrible frustration for the babies. What some see as colic, is actually a baby crying for/demanding his lawyer after being cheated by said companies.

4) After spending $100s of dollars on new toys, why do babies decide the wrapper or box top is so much more fun to play with, completely ignoring the new toys?
For the answer, please refer to question & answer #3, but substitute the toy manufacturers. You would think the babies would learn, but alas this doesn't happen until approximately age 8-12, sometimes later. (After the purchase of your next large appliance, leave the box out for your older kids and see what I mean. Please note, large appliance manufacturers are not part of this conspiracy.)

There is more, but I'll limit it to this for now.

Posted by Laura at 12:43 PM